Learning Forgiveness

It is Wednesday morning and something in my spirit is telling me that I need to write about forgiveness for this week's blog. I am not sure who this is intended for specifically, if nobody, then I feel that it is a reminder to help put into practice the art of forgiving others.

He that covereth a transgression seeketh love;
but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
Proverbs 17:9

In the passage of scripture above, a covering of a transgression is asking for forgiveness, this is a loving action. It is what follows that is not loving, repeating an offense against someone will cause suspicion and a lack of trust. If someone has been the victim of a repeated crime, a transgression, against them, the words, "I'm sorry", will start to have little effect. The victim will start to build walls, and failure to accept any future behavior in someone that mimics a past transgression against them will be met with disdain. Many of these transgressions may be legitimate, however, in the context of forgiveness, how does one break down barriers that have many of us on a pattern of repeat? How do we distinguish between feelings or a harmful action that requires us to forgive or ask to be forgiven?

We have all heard stories of someone who was sexually assaulted or molested at the hands of a family member, fathers with daughters, brothers with sisters, yes, even mothers with sons. Most of us reading this should be appalled by the mere thought of this happening, but it happens. I also need to clarify that this should be seen as a stripping of a potential sacred bond that two people can have when they fall deeply in love. The depravity of a child's innocence, most people will agree, is unforgivable. No punishment seems appropriate, especially for the victims of such an offense. In extreme cases, how does someone forgive a father, who was supposed to protect a child's innocence?

Many children who grew up as victims of sexual assault and/or molestation carry an incredible amount of guilt, and have a difficult time trusting in any romantic or intimate setting. It is the elephant in the room in many modern relationships, and without true forgiveness of both ourselves and others, the cycle of failed relationships is preserved. So, what is true forgiveness without true justice? Even if the penalty fits the original crime, does the feeling of guilt of our lost childhood innocence subside? Does the victim now feel an allowance to forgive, rarely!?

​I am reminded of times when people have confided in me as victims of childhood trauma. When they confronted their abuser later on in life and found a truly repented person standing in front of them, many times the victim relented on their planned revenge or form of justice. When the abuser was ashamed and asked for forgiveness with genuine tears in their eyes, many of the victims found compassion in their hearts to forgive, this was when true healing began. This is astonishing to me, as many people find the road to recovery once they learn to forgive. Even in extreme cases where their childhood innocence was destroyed, there was almost an instant recovery. A huge weight was lifted from their shoulders, which allowed them to walk taller and feel stronger, by gaining a renewed heart full of peace and compassion. Forgiveness is known to break chains, it is truly magical.   

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21-22

I believe that this passage is often misused and misunderstood. In contrast to the above example of childhood victims of sexual immorality, this passage is forgiving someone who keeps sinning against you in the context of Jewish law. The Jewish law of Jesus' time stated that you could not take someone to court without asking for forgiveness, and in fact, the victim shares the blame if forgiveness is withheld. By their law, you had to forgive seven times before a person could take someone to court. Let that settle in your mind for just a moment... It was against the law to withhold forgiveness.

The Jewish law in modern times has reduced this to three times of forgiveness, similar to "three strikes, you're out" or "three-month grace periods". Jesus states that you are not to take a brother or sister to man's court, ever. We are to be separate from the earthly Talmudic laws established by man. If someone has transgressed against you, the offender must show repentance through mind and deeds. Mind, meaning the offender is sincerely apologetic. Deeds, meaning returning back, typically to someone that you have offended. The deeds or repentance can be simplified as someone returning an object that an offender stole. Obviously, less understood when dealing with the matters of the heart.

Asking for forgiveness, or repentance, is an action. It is not praying to God and leaving it at the feet of Jesus to deal with. If we have knowingly offended someone we need to take loving action and ask them for forgiveness. For the victims, Jesus was clear that revenge and/or giving someone their comeuppance is equally as heartless. If we are walking in the spirit of God, then our fruits will be evident, and we will do our best to not transgress against anyone. It is as simple as, "Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you".

​But wait, this is the problem today, isn't it? 

I want to make this personal for one moment, as I feel that many of us are struggling in the area of forgiveness, especially in the arena of intimate relationships. In today's modern age, I have missed the mark of keeping above the perceived sins/transgressions that I have been accused of. Many of us who find ourselves single in 2024 have a hard time following the rules, and it is difficult to circumvent all the past relationship walls and red flags that have been formed. Sexual tension has been foolishly called spiritual connection. I have been this fool, and asking for forgiveness after breaking someone's heart seems insincere. I desire, as most of us do, to fulfill the list of conditions that someone feels will take the relationship further into a utopian socially blissful marriage. The truth is for most of us, due to unfulfilled expectations, we fail again. The "I surrender" flags are waived, and apologies are extended. Sometimes the guilt of broken covenants has us in an unforgiving state of mind, mostly for ourselves. I say this because there is a beautiful side to failed relationships, it's learning forgiveness and learning to love. 

I used to say something to my wife of 20 years, "I do not do or say things to upset you". My intention has never been to hurt someone's feelings, in fact, many times we withhold exposing what our true feelings are because of the discomfort of how it will make someone feel. Should we apologize then for making someone feel bad? I venture to say, Yes! However, in today's day and age, it seems that anything can trigger a negative response resulting in apologies. If the goalpost of expectations keeps changing, it will be impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. High expectations are being projected at an alarming rate, due to the unrealistic Reality TV, Social Media, and so on. High expectations mimic a coveting nature, which is the opposite of a loving nature, this is against the law of God.

Learning forgiveness is the path to a more intimate relationship with God, with nature, and with each other. There was no allowance for unforgiveness by keeping someone in bondage to the earthly courts and man's law. Any follower of a loving God would never desire to transgress against a brother or sister. Repentance holds the key to healing a broken heart from any transgression. The renewing of one's heart, mind, and soul is transformed when we accept the teachings of Jesus. It is all about this change in the heart.​ 


By the vessel, 
​William John

---