Secret Agent, Man!

"We're only as sick as our secrets," this was quoted by Ace Frehley who was a member of the band KISS in an interview several years ago. This quote resonated with me this week as I have been working with a secret. The secret came from a time when promiscuity was normal and "free love" promoted unconfined meaningless intercourse. There were consequences in the free love movement, as sex certainly was not free. The truth is, that everyone has to deal with feelings of guilt from wrongful actions at some point in their life. The hippies of the sixties had a few choices for their lustful actions, one of which was to bury the guilt with secrecy.

The secret was originally brought to my attention by a family member who didn't feel right holding on to the private affair. It is a difficult conversation to have when the people whom we love have been caught in a scandalous relationship. There is a huge problem with the scandal as everyone involved has passed away, and we have been left with the consequences and questions. The consequences almost got buried, but due to the technology of DNA, the secret was exposed. Our new family member knows the truth and is now curious about his roots, there is no healing when hiding secrets, and I am reminded of the saying, "The truth will set you free".

As many of my readers know, I can't help but make biblical references from time to time. There is a passage of scripture that I now understand means until a guilty person repents and asks for forgiveness the sins (secrets) will be handed down for generations, found in the book of Exodus 34:7. This was written at a time before DNA technology and was given to Moses, a man who did not know his biological parents. In the case of the hippies of the sixties, who had children out of less-than-beautiful circumstances, secrecy appeared to be the only option. The secret and any evidence of wrongdoing would be buried with it for three to four generations. I'm writing this with a renewed understanding and I see now that it can take a minimum of three generations to bury a secret, father/mother, son/daughter, and grandchildren.

Many years ago I hired a young man who was adopted. His "closed adoption" made it difficult to find his biological parents. He longed to find the truth of his adoption and his biological parents. In his words to me, "I want to know why I think the way I do." He never felt part of his adopted parents' life because he knew he was different. He was an intellectual, polite, determined young man, full of anger and self-destruction. He was sent to counseling for years to determine why he would not comply and be like the other kids, but when he expressed his feelings of loneliness for not knowing his biological roots it was always met with resistance. The gatekeepers to the pieces of paper of closed adoption rhetoric failed to see that they could help this young man grow spiritually by allowing the truth to set him free. It was simple, made difficult by the govern (control)-ment (mind). I felt sorry for the young man and encouraged him to find an agent to help him find his biological parents and the secrecy that surrounded his adoption. 

The plethora of stories bred from the intimate rendezvous' in a back alley or broom closet somewhere is staggering. It has made shows like Maury Povich or The Genetic Detective popular beyond all comprehension. Because of our sick fascination with pointing fingers at wrongdoers and mocking their actions, society has made exposing secrets profitable, and not honorable. Nobody wants to be caught in the crossfire between the shameful action and the consequences, it should not be put on public display. We are no better than the people being mocked publicly.  

Protection seems to be the biggest reason for secrecy, I know this all too well, as my childhood innocence had been stolen. Whenever a perpetrator of childhood innocence is grooming their victim, the secrecy card is pulled and fear is introduced. "Shhhhh...this is our little secret", and "You don't want me to hurt you and/or the people you love". I only bring this forward for understanding, not "Woe is me". I was determined to hide the shameful action to protect my family and myself. I was about 12 years old when I exposed the secret to my mom. Exposing lies is usually the first step in any healing process and/or spiritual journey. I felt free and liberated from the guilt which was imposed on me. The truth had set me free.

In the case of my new family member, who are we protecting? The actions of two consenting adults who fell victim to the lust of the flesh or the consequences of the action? Are we protecting feelings, and whose feelings? Are we trying to safeguard made-up accusations in our heads? Everyone we are trying to protect has been laid to rest, it's okay to embrace the consequences of actions within the beautiful soul that was created. "Blood is thicker than water", or "Genes are stronger than adoption". The truth will set everyone free.

This whole exercise of secret-keeping has been exhausting. I have done stupid things over my 50+ years of living, some things have been shameful, and I am not proud of my actions. I also realize that I am not going to stay in my stupidity, I've learned from my actions, and I have asked for forgiveness from the people whom I feel that I have wronged. If I am ever asked if I did something stupid, with a clear conscience I can say, "Yes I did" followed by, "I apologized, and have released any feelings of guilt that have kept me living with the repercussions of wrongful actions".

The newest known member of our family is...well... Family! Hiding the fact that he exists is not going to change the consequences. I have chosen to embrace the consequences, not because I am self-righteous, but because it is the right thing to do, and it exudes loving action. I am not writing this in an attempt to throw certain family members under the bus, but to use our circumstances as a learning example for the many thousands/millions of families dealing with the same state of affairs. 

As I think of Ace Frehley's quote, it is true, that we are only as sick as our secrets. How many people throughout the years have been plagued with PTSD as a result of wrongful actions or protecting criminals for unmentionable activity? How many people throughout the years have sought help from psychologists, psychiatrists, or counselors, only to be told that everything shared is confidential and secret? It is a known fact that keeping someone fearful keeps a body in the adrenaline response of fight, flight, or freeze. A mind, body, and soul kept in this response for too long causes heart problems and early death. I have since learned that Ace Frehley was quoting from the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program.  

While I ponder my family's response to this latest blog, "Welcome to the family Len!" 

In love, 
William John

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