  Last week I wrote a blog stating that I was going to take a break from blogging unless I had a profound message and I must share it with everyone. Well… maybe… a profound message is in store. Actually, it is not that profound, it is just simple logical advice. This week was especially beautiful, as I spent four days with my oldest son. The circumstances of our visit were met with a breakup of my son’s four-year relationship. My son and his partner met in the 9th grade and started a friendship. In grade 12 they made their friendship something more. Young love is a beautiful thing, and I was proud of my son for not being promiscuous and waiting for the right person. I encouraged him, and all my children, to wait for the right person, even though their parents are not the best examples. I began to see a reflection of my past relationships, and any advice shared with him came from years of break-up experience. Something my son said had me reeling inside. He shared a story from an online therapist who helped a woman get over her feelings of guilt from an affair. The woman wanted to know how to rebuild her relationship again and win the heart of her husband. The therapist explains that when dealing with apologies, it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry", it is "Why are we sorry?". He shows her that being sorry for the affair is one thing, but possessing the lie that made him doubt his inner voice was worse. The longer you wait to confess the wrongdoing, the longer it takes for him to trust his intuition and of course reconciliation is substantially more complicated. In the social media world, blaming and accusations are key to diverting any personal wrongdoing. Like my son, I am going through many of the same feelings of self-doubt due to my break-up this year from an on-again-off-again 3-year relationship. Accusations fly, and we end up reeling inside about whether our partner was being honest, and the feelings of being duped or self-doubt rise in our spirit. As a result, we bring trust baggage to every relationship thereafter if the lie is concealed. We spend many days re-living all the moments when things just didn’t add up. The mysterious triggers, the cryptic messages, the unfiltered battles of barfing hateful words. We struggle to understand the feelings we have in the pit of our stomachs, and depression sets in. I encouraged my son, “It doesn’t matter what she did, it’s all in the past now”. But we want to know, “Why”, and we demand to know the truth so we can move on, and realize we weren’t going crazy. “We weren’t going crazy”, I tell my son, “it is an intimacy shared between your partner, as you became one flesh with them and feel their spirit”. Their craziness is your craziness, and until they tell the truth, it is hard to be set free. …So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8: 31-32 Kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? Well… Logically speaking, don’t lie to one another. Ever! Holding on to secrets, especially those secrets which cause division in your relationship or trigger a defence in your spirit, needs to be confessed. Anger, hate, deflection, and accusations against your partner are usually (not always) a reflection of something within yourself that you are dealing with. Cheating is an obvious secret that is difficult to confess. The longer a person holds onto the poor decision (the possession), and doesn’t tell the truth, it will eat them up inside to the point of exhaustion, addiction, and in extreme cases, suicide. The fear of back-lash from the partner should not be a deterring factor, as the longer the lie persists, the longer the feeling of despair in both you and your partner remains. In discussions where confession of less-than-perfect behaviour is immanent, we need to remember the golden rule, “Treat others the way we would want to be treated”. We all fall short of the laws governing life, and in today's day and age, these laws are amplified against the backdrop of our human condition. With this understanding, we need to come to relationship confrontations with; Peace, not anger; Love, not hate; Reflection, not deflection; Exoneration, not accusations. These are the key ingredients required for a resolution, with forgiveness, compassion, and understanding being the master keys. There is no growth, no forgiveness, and no self-love when living with internal chaos from secrets and lies. The internal conflict (the possession) is released once the truth is confessed; this is true repentance. Nobody wins when we pick the specs (diversion) in our victim's eye, so they don’t see the plank in our eye (the secrets and lies). I must make a disclaimer: If you are concerned for your safety, please take the steps required to navigate your partner and their potential reaction to a secret you are holding against them. This is not to run away from the issue, but to find the safety nets (people, place, time) required to bring truth and reconciliation without violence. Sometimes personal council is required first. One last point… Many people turn to God when confessing their sins (the nasty secrets and lies that have bound them) but fail to allow the truth to set them free. They remain stuck as relationships fail and the pattern of the chaotic spiritual roller-coaster continues. Why not release the possession by confessing the transgression to the person you’ve held captive with your lie? I am often surprised how freeing it is when telling the truth. The burden is lifted, healing begins, trust can be restored, and love with compassion will flood the heart. Be a truth speaker. By the vessel, William John
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